So there I was left with a piece of paper containing a number and a purple boob. I was thinking 'Victoria Secret's got nothing on me! Sexy!' I had to wait three days to call the number. It felt more like 10 days, actually a presidential election is faster than getting test results well not in 2004 but anyway, I wanted to know NOW.
The third day, I wanted to call as soon as I got up and leave 40 messages. I went to work, and drove everyone crazy. The hour of 3pm did not come soon enough, it was like the clock was moving slowly purposely. Finally after the encouragement of my mother, well she simply said, "just call already will you!" I thought I’d call at 3:05pm didn’t want to seem too anxious, but it was more like 3:01pm. The radiology doctor came on the phone, she was cheerful and said ‘you have a papilloma that somehow got into your breast.’ She explained that papilloma’s usually develop in the groin area but she never saw them in a breast. Lovely! It figures this would happen to me. She said wanted me to have it removed, I asked why, she indicated there’s no need to keep it, she had a point. I had to see a breast surgeon who would be performing the surgery to go over what would happen. Papilloma I of course immediately Google it, Papilloma means benign epithelial tumor forming a rounded mass or a wart-like growth with or without a stalk found in either cervical cancer or mouth cancer. WHAT! This lady didn't know her papilloma from a whole in the ground!!! I have cancer! I knew it because Google said so!!!! Great a doctor can't diagnose me but Google can! So I make an appointment to see the breast surgeon. I began living at the Cleveland Clinc, I thought about asking for a room but I knew insurance would not cover it.
The doctor walked in, I thought it was my friend Stephanie from high school! Thank goodness, Stephanie got her medical degree she will fix everything! Stephanie was one of those people you went to when you had an issue because she would know exactly what to say and do. Coming to my senses, I focused and saw it was not her. Dr. D. was nice and very quiet but her assistant, Nancy was hilarious! Nancy had a way about her, we discussed going out drinking afterwards and make fun of people. It was not until later that I found out that Dr. D. was just as hilarious as her assistant, Nancy she just had to warm up to you. Nancy advised me what would happen when I was put under anesthesia. I would have a great sleep and they would do their thing. Then take the papilloma out and slice it like a ham!
The night before the procedure, I was not allowed to eat anything after midnight or take anything to help her sleep. As I stared at the ceiling counting the number of times I worried about things endlessly and then it turned out to be nothing. I could hear my mother telling me I was my own worse enemy. I knew I was luckier than most people, I had the connections to get the care I needed and in some way I felt guilty. Then I realized that most people would take advantage of the connections I had. As the next day approached with only a few hours of sleep, I began to think about the ‘What if….’ The phrase that most people use after getting good news that could have been bad. Decisions would have to be made, and life as I knew would do a 360 degree turn. It would make my life like a Sunday night movie on Lifetime starring Meredith Baxter.
I got up right away, dressed and went on my way to get the papilloma removed! I was nervous never have had to have surgery before, I was not sure what to expect. Like do you speak to the nurse while she takes your blood pressure, how much do you reveal? Or do you crack a joke when she gives you a pregnancy test, even though you know your not because you have your period and a huge mattress between your legs? I thought ‘do I have the right clothes on and if I don’t and do they send me home. I starved myself for nothing! ‘ At least it was semi warm out so I could walk out of the house without a bra, in fact it was one of the first times I walked out of the house without a bra, I felt so Gloria Steinem! Approaching the surgery center, I noticed it was really busy at 6:30am in the morning. What do these people do at night? What time do they go to bed, 8pm? The workers were perky the patients were like veterans at this they had been there before and knew the routine.
The receptionist had perfect makeup on, smelled nice, it was as like going to the grocery store looking like crap and you see everyone who looks better than you. “Hello I’m here for surgery.” “Ok, Mam, please review your personal on these forms, and make any corrections if needed. Once your done take bring to back to me. Oh also, do we have copy of your Will on file?” Stunned, I said ‘no, but I do have one, my husband has a copy.” She replied with her perfect makeup face “yes, well we do not. If you wish we have forms over there you can fill them out. We do have to have it by law in case anything should happen.” I smirked thinking ‘girl I work for the law, if you think your telling me something I don’t know well listen here Ms. Perfect Makeup, I could wipe the floor with you, telling me the law, HA!!!!!’ but I simply replied, “I will make sure you have one on file.”
Sitting down in a waiting room anywhere is never fun regardless of where you are, doctors, dentist, hospital you can be sure to find 5 year old magazines, boring radio station playing or television that the sound is so low that the only way to hear it is to put your ear to the wall. Looking around it appeared there were people there who had it worse than me. Like the lady with 5 x-rays who sounded like she her vocal cords were rusty from too much cigars. It was a plethora of various people all there for one reason, to get cut open and see what’s wrong with all of us! Sort of like a town hall meeting for surgery!
Never having to have surgery in my whole life or broke a bone, I was nervous going in for the procedure. I recalled the one time I sprained my ankle in high school, after imitating the dance team of the marching band. I was in flag corp. even though I knew I could dance circles around those girls, I was much better, I decided the flag corp. would be the best choice. Spraining my ankle was the only time I remember going to the hospital unless you count the time when she was 3 and had pneumonia. Hospitals were never in my vocabulary even with my relatives in the hospital I always avoided them. I think because I thought it was for ‘other people’ not me. The only time I came in contact with hospitals was when I had to get medical records on a case. Considering this was an outpatient procedure, it could not be all that bad. The hospitals outpatient surgery room was a busy little place at 7am, doctors and nursing running around like uniformed soldiers with their pens and gowns. The nurse came in with her basket of fun consisting of needles, blue rubber bands, rubber gloves and band aides. My husband was in the waiting room, playing his PS3. She explained that this was routine, and she asked if I was pregnant and to pee in a cup. The nurse took inserted a needle in me, which I had gotten used to after all this time I was an expert with needles. I had my IV of medication that would make me sleepy which made me loopy at first. I saw Dr. D and Nancy was talking with them one minute and the next I woke up a few hours later in the recovery room, with Kevin smiling down on me and my mouth feeling like I swallowed sand.
It was really hard to wake up, I just wanted to sleep like a little baby, I wanted to stay in the bed, I was comfortable, the blankets were nice and the pillow was soft. The mouth not so much, I swallowed sand as I said before. It was like those cartoon’s where the main character is stranded on the desert coughing, coughing looking for water and can’t find any until they are so delirious they drink a bucket full of leaves! I was fed saltine crackers and ginger ale the diet of all surgery patients. It’s the only thing you can hold down, part of you is really hungry and wants to eat a whole beef roast, but in light of the fact that you would not be able to keep it down, the saltines and ginger ale, are very tasty. I was dozing in and out and in and out and in and out, while my husband was chatting with me and I was listening to the nurse’s chit chat to the other patients. Everything always sounds louder after surgery, even when someone is whispering. I just wanted to yell ‘SHUT UP I AM TRYING TO GET SOME ENERGY TO GET DRESSED AND GET OUT OF THIS BED!!’ Of course that was not possible, but it was a nice thought.
On the way home when I was awake, I asked my husband to pull over and get me some food. He said are you sure, maybe you want to wait till we get home your stomach maybe needs to settle. I said, no honey I really need to eat, I am hungry I’ll be fine. He repeated, at this point I was getting really hungry and was thinking my shoe looked pretty good. Again he repeated, maybe you want to wait till….knowing full well what happens when I do not eat, I looked over at him and with the satanic voice coming out of me ‘PULL INTO BURGER KING AND GET ME SOME FOOD! My husband the nice man pulled into the Burger King parking lot and I got breakfast. I ate it like someone was going to steal it from me, sucked down a soda, burped and went home to bed.
Tomorrow: The Diagnosis
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