In preparation of my wedding, my mother and mother-in-law were putting together a picture album of my husband and I throughout our lives. My mother said to my mother-in-law "Oh my god, do you realize how adorable our grandchildren our going to be?" Little did any of us know that this will never come true. When I sat with my oncologist to discuss my treatment options, I never thought I'd hear the words 'you cannot get pregnant.' I knew that if I got rid of my breasts that I could not breast feed, I always found that ritual to be very creepy but to hear you cannot have children hit me hard. It still does to this day even though I have come to terms with it. I wanted to give my husband a boy and a girl, we even had names picked out, Marcus Edward and Olivia Christine. Marcus because we always liked that name, Edward for my grandfather I never got to meet. Olivia after my husband's grandmother and Christine after my mom. I see my friends with their kids and sometimes it just hurts knowing I cannot have that. I want to be the soccer mom, take my kids to the park, have pancakes on the weekends and just do the fun stuff you do with kids. Decorating a kids room would be heaven to me right now, but I know at this time it's only a dream. Right now we just have to be the honorary Aunt and Uncle to our friends children.
Early in our marriage my husband was at Target, he walked out of the store only realize that the cashier accidentally put a blue baby blanket in his bag. We sort of took it as a sign that we would be pregnant soon. A friend of ours, had one of her friends draw a pictures of little sperm in the shape of a sun it was really cool in hopes that we would get pregnant. I still have both items.
There is the option of adoption, however, living where I do, we cannot consider it till I have hit my 5 year mark of being cancer free. At that time I will be 43 and then we can consider it. I see stories on the news about people abusing their kids and I just want to scream! How can you abuse a child or even an animal? I mean the kids didn't ask to be here and people have the nerve to take their anger out on a poor defenseless child. I just want to walk around with a sign that says "If you feel like abusing your child, please drop them off at my house and disappear!" How is it fair that I have to wait to adopt a child and anyone can get pregnant who only abuses their kids?
I have friends who were adopted and I remember what my grandmother said, an adopted child is a wanted child. One day we will have our Marcus Edward and Olivia Christine, until then I can still dream.
